Fight with the “Black Dog”
“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow-
I’m going to share a story about myself where little did know others or didn’t know at all. As you can see in the title, it is a fight with a dog. I am pretty sure you also have met people who fought with this dog or people who are fighting without even you knowing. No, I am not referring to my pet dog or my neighborhood dog. This black dog lived inside my head.
Yes, I fought with this “Black Dog” for nearly two years and still then and there I see the shadow of it walking a bit far from where I am now. “Black Dog” is a metaphor used by Winston Churchill to attribute “Depression”. I do not know about the whole world, but in South Asia, we are scared to talk about mental health and it is most of the time a taboo topic or something shameful according to our elder generation. So, in a society like that, I had to keep my battles for myself. I know after reading this some people who know me might think, “How come she got depressed? She has everything. Home, food, free education, friends, and what not? She doesn’t even have a right to get depressed”. Let me tell you this first, those are garbage logics. You might know that I have everything to enjoy my life, but depression does not even care whether you have a 7 story mansion or have nothing at all. Having depression or anxiety does not make someone appears to be weak. Different people have different capabilities and tolerance levels. When people lose that balance in their mind they will take different journeys with the things they are going through.
This setback happened when I was in the second year at the university. There was no single major reason to trigger it but, with the things happening for some time and with the recent incidents, I was reaching my limits. Rejections, insecurities, failures, competition, and other pressures around me have almost convinced me that I am not enough and made me question my worth. I was failing to focus on my studies and falling behind the GPA. I cried in the night by praying to God because I can not sleep. I was afraid to be judged, so I did not want to talk about what I am going through with anyone but, after an unsuccessful semester, I felt that I badly need some help. I collected my pocket money and channeled a psychiatrist without telling anyone, even to my parents. The consultant I have channeled was a lady doctor and I cried in front of her confessing all my sorrows. She gave me some medicine, diagnosed me as I am severely depressed, and asked to meet her after one month. I felt a bit better after the good crying session and talking. I continued the medicine for one month but was not able to visit the doctor again and unable to continue the medicine since I could not renew the prescription. However, I was getting better and saved my semester before the internship. I found a good place to work and after starting the internship I was doing well because I was able to utilize myself fully for what I am doing.
When I returned to university after my internship, I thought I was completely okay because I came back with a lot of confidence and motivation with me to start my final year refreshingly. The 7th semester (Semester before the last) exams are reaching and again I started to feel like I am losing my sane. I had 11 subjects to do in that exam including repeat subjects. Although my mind was crumbling, deep down I knew I could not cost my exam for it because that was so important to me otherwise, I would have ended my degree without a class. I started to take action slowly on me. I stayed in the university hostel and started studying because even though I can daily travel when I am at home I cannot make up my mind to work other than crying while sleeping. I started meditating daily and I reduced my screen time. I had to cut some people from my life and I stopped worrying about “What Ifs” and people’s opinions about me. But, when the final exams and deadlines of the project were reaching, I have fallen to pieces again.
That time was so painful to think about even. It is like you are carrying an internal wound. True that it is an issue with your mind but believe me, it is like suffering from your whole body. I anyway have migraines but, with this, the headache frequency got increased, and could not eat properly for like six months, and my weight loss was drastic. Even though I was hungry, I could not eat anything because I had this constant vomiting feeling with me. In the middle of the exams, I got this sudden chest and stomach pain and got the medicine from the university medical center for gastric. There were days I cried when I try to eat but I could not eat more than one bite. When my mother noticed my eating disorder she consulted me to a Gastroenterologist but that medicine did not help me at all. Deep down I knew this is not a gastric issue and I needed some help. So I started talking to a few of my best friends and I was opening up about what made me worry, but in a low-cut way, and it gave me some kind of relief. In a time like that, it is really hard to choose what to do and who you should trust because you were already hurt and you do not want to add another reason to your list by getting judged by friends and losing them. You will have a bad temper and you will start to suspect everyone around you. You will feel like everyone is judging you and going against you even though they do not. You will start imagining how people talk behind your back and you will start feeling isolated and worthless. I know, it is like living in a nightmare.
“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
-Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story-
Few weeks before the finals, I thought of going to see the psychiatrist but did not want to go for that medicine again because I did not like the side effects of those medicines which I have already experienced once. Instead, I went to this medical officer in our university medical center and wept in front of her for like an hour talking my heart out. I wanted a reference to meet a consultant but she turned me around otherwise. She was so motherly and I am forever grateful for her in my entire lifetime. She listened to me carefully and said that I do not have to go on that medication again because she believes that I am strong enough to get through this on my own. She said it is all about our mind, and what I was worried about is not worth my energy or time and let it go, there are so many things waiting ahead for me to achieve. She reminded me that I have come this far, I can go further and I am loved and I will be loved in the future too. She told me not to stop by other’s opinions on judgments over achieving my dreams or who I am. She said, if you feel like going for the extent of taking medicine, it is okay but she thinks I will be able to overcome this by simply listening to my heart and mind.
At first, I feel like she is also not understanding me and telling the things that everyone else is telling but at the end that meeting turned out as the ultimate therapy I needed and mind-altering. I felt much lighter when I was leaving her room. She gave me a warm tight hug before I was to leave.
I slowly started picking myself up. I passed the final exam and research successfully and faced the job interview well and got a good offer too. It was quite a journey and not swift progress. It took so much time and I had to compromise a lot to stand where I am today. As the lady doctor said, “It is all about our mind”.
Not least of all but, while you are on this journey of healing, it is of utmost importance to be in a supportive environment. I am eternally grateful for my best friends both from university and school (Senali, Dilinie, Evangeli, Pedmi, Madhara, Koshani) who were with me in my hard times and tolerating all my emotional earthquakes. Although they did not know exactly what I was going through, they always knew how to stand with me. They did not question nor judge but just gave me everything I needed and beyond, just like family.
If anyone who is reading this having a hard time right now, all I wanted to say is, you are not stuck, you are enough, and you will be get through this. You can work on this. I will share what exactly I did and what worked for me and how I have overcome it in an upcoming article. Till then, do not be hard on yourself, reach out, ask help, and start loving yourself.
“There is always a door, no matter how dark the room is, find it, and get out.”
-Shafqat Bashar-
